This is by no means a terrible paragraph, but there are weaknesses within it, the chief of them being that whilst it demonstrates that the student is going beyond superficial summarising and interpreting the story, the ideas are struggling to make themselves heard. Some of the sentences lack detail or are a little ambiguous, and at times there is a lack of tight connection between several of the sentences. Various ideas are referred to and introduced without ever being fully explained or analysed. For example there is no explanation for the introduction of the notions of happiness and temptation. To some extent the reader has to guess what the writer is really trying to express. This is a crucial point: you must present your arguments clearly and unambiguously, and grades will we lost if the marker has to try to guess what is being said.
It is a connective device which indicates to the reader the content of the paragraph. Without such linking words, you will get a low score. 25% of your marks is based on paragraphs and linking words.
In personal essays, often the best transitions are simply contextual and straightforward, especially if you’re working under the constraint of a low word count. For instance, to discuss graduate research plans, you might simply open a sentence with “For my graduate research, I plan to . . . .” In broader circumstances, to transition from one idea to another, writers turn to the list below—handy because the transitions are sorted by function, emphasizing the work they do. When choosing a transition from this list, focus on providing connective tissue that moves us through time, provides example or interpretation, or advances argument.
An essay should be the development of argument, interpretation and analysis through an extended and flowing sequence of points and illustrations. This entails work at the level of the sentence, of course, but also, very importantly, you need to work at the level of the paragraph. The paragraph is a coherent passage of logically connected sentences usually concentrating on no more than one or two ideas relevant to your argument. Do not use very short and unconnected staccato sentences, and develop your use of linking words by which the various sentences of a paragraph are bound together. It takes experience and practice to develop a sense of when a new paragraph is needed and when it has run its course. Examine theto get some sense of how the paragraphs, or 'idea units' as they have also been called, have been constructed, and how their 'natural' beginnings and ends appear.
The first sentence of the paragraph should generally be a 'strong' one, used to signal or indicate the idea to be discussed within the paragraph. Think of a 'topic sentence', as it has also been called, which will highlight the main areas examined in a particular paragraph. Connecting and signposting words and phrases should be learnt, used, and practised (examples are '', '', '', '', '', '', '', '' etc.). The argument should develop through the language you use and therefore in a short essay sub-headings are unnecessary.
There are an almost limitless number of linking phrases and words one can use. What is important is that they complement the style of your writing.
Your essay will be the representation of an argument on a given subject or subjects. It will include only points which are relevant to the subject, so be careful to get rid of material that is not directly relevant. Although students sometimes complain that the lengths demanded of essays are too long, most of the essays you will write are really relatively short. Part of the skill of writing is to write concisely and economically, without wasting material or 'padding' the work with irrelevant diversions and repetition. Once the points have been chosen they should be presented logically and coherently, so do not leap about from point to point. Each point generally will have some connection to the preceding one and the one which follows. If you do leave one part of the essay to move onto another, but intend later to go back to the point you have left and show, for example, how the points may be connected or related, then it can be useful to say so by 'signposting', e.g. '. After each draft of the essay check that each point is presented in a logical and coherent order. Read each draft carefully and critically. Is there a significant idea you have not included in the essay? Do you need to expand some of the points you have chosen to write about? Are some of the points, after due consideration, not really relevant? Have you been too long-winded or repetitive? If so, cut out and/or reduce some of the text. Does your argument need to be clearer, and do the links between some of the main points need more emphasis? You should be asking yourself these questions throughout the whole process.
· The fact that literary language (metaphors, symbols, images) are now the focus is signalled efficiently and economically, through the strategy of launching the discussion directly. The main extended images are mentioned in the first sentence, which is preferable to 'I am now going to discuss the imagery of Graham Greene's story.'
· The first sentence, however complex, is clear and does a lot of work by clearly situating the reader in the overall structure of the essay .
· The paragraph refers back to analysis already done, thus emphasising the clear structure of the essay and enhancing the interrelationships of its parts. Importantly, whilst it is obvious that there is to be some reference to ideas already mentioned, it is also clear that there is to be no repetition. Instead, the analysis is to be deepened and extended.
· The paragraph also refers ahead to analysis still to come. The anxious reader, who might be wondering why the important theme of the individual and the community has not been mentioned, can relax and enjoy the analysis of the religious symbolism in the full knowledge that the former theme has not been neglected.
· The images are not merely identified, pointed out and listed.; there is active interpretation and analysis of what they actually mean. In other words the writer is actively engaging with Greene's story.
What of the second paragraph? Firstly one might ask why a second paragraph is needed, given that the theme is still that of religion. True, but the first paragraph is becoming quite long, it is reaching the 'natural' length of a paragraph. There are no hard or fast rules and regulations here - no writing committee has decreed that a paragraph should contain an ideal number of words or sentences or run a certain length over a page. Extended writing practice will give you a 'feel' and an instinct for realising that a paragraph is complete and it is time to start a new one. More importantly here there is a very strong sense that the first paragraph in the model is 'full'. The writer has identified a link between the house and the ideological vacuum in which the gang exist and has tried to interpret and explain it. Next s/he wants to highlight the links between Greene's vocabulary and that of the book of Genesis. The theme is still religion, but the writer is now going to approach a different aspect of it.
(1) In the first sentence there is a lack of detail and also inappropriate emphasis. First of all, no apple has been mentioned before in the essay and its introduction here is a little confusing. This is because in the story the apple is not compared to a house, but it is the house which is compared to an apple. Furthermore there is no evidence provided for the assertion that the house can be linked to a church. In addition, the 'perhaps' does not inspire confidence that the student is fully on top of the idea. (2) There are several problems with the second sentence. Most importantly there is no clear connection with the preceding and succeeding sentence. Also, the 'actually' is too informal and, equally importantly, it suggests that the idea to come has just popped into the student's mind. The first 'it' is ambiguous, and it is not exactly clear what it refers to. Finally, the overall idea - that weaknesses within the church make it vulnerable to attacks from the outside - is not very clearly expressed. (3) There is no problem with the third sentence, and a question can be a good way of introducing or emphasising a particular subject. The problem with this paragraph lies in the other sentences. (4) The fourth sentence does not really address the question just asked in any coherent way. 'The destruction of everything' is too sweeping and needs more detail. The phrase 'it refers to Adam and the temptation' is a poor one - it should be 'it refers to the tempting of Adam'. The main problem with this sentence is that it has become detached from the first sentence of the paragraph, and one of the problems of the paragraph is that the theme of temptation is referred to and hinted at without ever being fully interpreted and analysed. (5) The fifth sentence is far too vague and empty, and introduces a subject - Adam's happiness - which is not picked up on. Where in the story could the religious references suggest that this is a significant point? Why happiness? (6) The sixth sentence contains some of the problems of some of the other sentences. The writer shifts the emphasis from Adams's temptation - which has not been analysed - to Trevor's temptation, without explanation. There is some dislocation in that whilst there was an earlier suggestion or hint (again unclearly expressed) that the church was destroying itself, now there is a suggestion that Trevor is solely responsible for the destruction of the church, in the symbolic form of the house. Furthermore, there is a weakness in the comparison in that Trevor's destruction of the house is in no way punished.